ANYONE FOR SQUENNIS ?
Anyone who has met Joe Kneipp’s little brother Dan will know that if he gets involved in anything the result will be something highly original. It was little brother who, a couple of years ago left Australia to join Joe in Amsterdam and bring some discipline to his big brother’s training. Joe climbed up to the top ten. Dan went back to Oz, got his degree and got married. Then he got back on the plane again with his bride back to Amsterdam.

Joe K on the tennis court photo© 2005, Dan Kneipp

Those clever folk at the Amstelpark Club gave Dan a job running their racket sports and what did Dan come up? Squennis. Yes, Squennis. You don’t have to be too bright to realize that this new competition is a mixture of squash and tennis where competitors get to play three games of squash and three game of tennis. Squash games last for 20 minutes and tennis games 40 minutes.

With out-of-the-box thinking like this we can expect Dan to get rapidly promoted to the point where he replace Jacques Rogge, as president of the IOC. Why? Simple. There are hundreds of sports (including ballroom dancing and chess!) that want to get into the Olympics. Dan’s method of combining sports would keep everyone happy. For example: CANOODLING: canoeing combined with wrestling. JAVELUS: Javelin/discus. GYMMING: gymnastics/swimming. RUCKY: rugby/hockey. JIVING: judo and diving. BOXLING: boxing and cycling. FENOLO: fencing and water polo. With luck we could get the Olympics down to just ten sports and save us all a lot of time.

SORRY ABOUT SQUASH AND THE OLYMPICS

Everybody in squash is talking up the possibility of inclusion in the 2012 Olympics. I hate to be a damp rag, but according to all insider reports, forget it. An AP sports writer wrote a piece that give squash as much chance as an ice cube in a volcano.

Let me quote a couple of paragraphs by the writer, Stephen Wilson.

“The IOC program commission assessed all the sports contested in Athens last summer, as well as five hopefuls: golf, rugby, squash, karate and roller sports”

“The report has not been made public, and commission members are under orders to keep it under wraps. However, two members of the panel, speaking to the Associated Press on condition of anonymity, said Saturday they don’t expect the report will lead to any sports being dropped or added.”

“While some sports come off worse than others, there is no overwhelming evidence for any sport to be eliminated or added, the panel members said.”

“The last sport eliminated from the Summer Olympics was polo – in 1936.”

Now here’s the paragraph that I find so very, very depressing.

In 2002 Rogge proposed that baseball, softball and modern pentathlon be dropped, and golf and rugby added. But the IOC members resisted and no vote was taken.”

Not that I wave the flag for any of the sports mentioned in that paragraph but those few words demonstrate just how little power Rogge has and how much the ingrained prejudices of the IOC committee result in a retention of the status quo.

Rogge is quoted as saying that he doesn’t expect any immediate changes: “I think this is something that I might not see in the short term but definitely something my successors will see.” In that case Jacques, mon ami, resign now. I looked to you to bring about the much needed overhaul of the Olympics, to get rid of those alleged sports (Synch swimming and diving, beach volley ball, figure skating –and all events that are based on artistics judgment rather than time, distance or scoring) and bring in real sports. Sadly, you have become another victim of a committee.

The American humorist Fred Allen defined a committee as:

“A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.”

Or as an anonymous wit once said:

“A committee is a group of the unwilling, chosen from the unfit to do the unnecessary.”

Doesn’t that resonate?

GREAT IDEA, GREAT DINNER, BEAUTIFULLY DONE
The first world squash awards organized by Peter Nicol, Tim Garner and Angus Kirkland went off very well indeed. I spoke briefly to Peter a couple of weeks later and he tells me that they lost money on the dinner but they never intended it to be a money making event. Next year they hope to sell enough tables to companies and orgs so that the event pays for itself. Nice to come across a group with an altruistic side. They can count on my support for next year.

A SQUASHTALK AWARD?
The awards were for the best female and male players of the year, best young female and male players and the lifetime achievement award (Jahangir quite rightly got the first one to a deafening standing ovation.) If you can think up a suitable award for Squashtalk to add to the world awards, send you suggestions to me. Best suggestion gets a DVD of a major tournament. For example, how about Best Tournament of the Year, to recognize promoters?

FITZ – A WINNER EVEN IN A BORROWED BRA
I was lucky enough to have Sarah Ftiz-Gerald sitting next to me at the dinner. I took the chance to quiz her again on her retirement. She re-iterated that she had just had enough. Even though she was still number one and virtually unbeaten, she just didn’t want to do it anymore. But she had me laughing as she told of her desire to win a fifth world title. So she flew to the venue and landed safely – without her baggage. She had nothing but the clothes she flew in. For her first match she had to borrow a bra from Tania Bailey and a skirt from somebody else. For training purposes she borrowed shorts from Thierry Lincou (Jeez, Lincou doesn’t look like a size 8) and a shirt from another guy. Her baggage arrived in time for the final and Sarah duly won her fifth world title – as we all knew she would.

STRANGE FOLK, THOSE LIMEYS
A month or two back SquashTalk had a world exclusive (two in fact) when we broke the story of London’s famed Lambs Club closing its doors. (The other story was the return of the British Open to London).

Mike Corby, owner of the club told me that the fitness biz had taken a nose dive and he needed to sell the club in order to keep his other 12 clubs going.

A bunch of Lambs members decided that closing would be a bad thing, put together a protest group, and with the aid of our story, got on local radio and had stories in the local press. Mr. Corby was not amused and threw a couple of protesting members out of the club - cancelled their membership. (He told the press that one of them had a free membership anyway). Mike is a very willful chap and brooks no argument. When he heard the news that the local council had rejected the developer’s plans to build 122 apartments on the Lambs’ site, he was not amused and said if planning permission is denied, he would turn the courts into gyms anyway. So blow that out of your muffler buddy.

Now here’s a peculiar thing: Mike Corby is President of English Squash, the governing body that promotes and runs the sport in England. And here he is threatening to close squash courts. But he’s not the first! Ten years ago England Squash had a chairman, name of John Treharne, who also owned and ran fitness clubs. He too would buy up squash clubs, close most of the squash courts to build gyms or swimming pools. His story was that he was making the club profitable, otherwise they would close down completely. So if you don’t like squash and would like to close a few courts, England Squash will find a job for you.

POWER GIVES SQUASH SHOES THE BIRD
When Jonathon Power’s right shoes came to pieces in his match against Amr Shabana at the Super Series final, he had to borrow a pair from one of the court attendants. Next day he was wearing a brand new pair of shoes.

“I actually went into a store and bought a pair. I haven’t done that since I was ten years old,” he told me. Then the bombshell: he had purchased a pair of badminton shoes.

“They’re softer than squash shoes, so I didn’t have to wear them in,” he explained. Will this man ever get a contract from Hi-Tec again? And by the way , what happened to the Jonathon Power squash shoe? Answers welcome.